Talk:Guardian Conflict/@comment-5203931-20130714115552

Notes for my beta-reading (it's been over a week so this one is LONG).

First off good work on remembering to link your article's key jump off points, and special congradulations because your page got 34 unique views this week! You beat out Xindi Conflict who got 21!

...Now for the reviews from our beta...


 * You seem to be putting A LOT of emphasis on Earth and the Cylons. Please remember that the Coalition is made up of over 29 member nations and well over 184 planets (that's just those we've named!). I know the Cylons are taking point in this story but you referenced Earth over 47 times, we've edited that down to half. Remember there are other players on this stage and I'm sure the logical Vulcan or an industrial powerhouse like Hiigara are tempting targets for the Guardians. Please make sure to give everyone an equal chance to have their nose bloodied.


 * Please keep all posts in the past tense, like your a historian writing about it after the fact. Several passages are written like your talking, articles should be written like book reports or encyclopedias.


 * You repeat yourself several times in the same sentence. "A Coalition courier vessel, the ICS Road Runner arrived with classified orders from FLEETCOM on Earth with classified orders for the mission." or "blockade to directly attack the Coalition attackers directly". This one in particular took me almost a minute of saying it outloud to finally understand, "The Tenth and Fourteenth Fleets arrived had arrived at been gathering at Base-Six for the Operation." Watch out for this, it can be annoying for readers, it quickly makes them feel like they are going in circles. As a rule to the wise, never use a word more than twice in a single sentence.


 * Again please watch your spelling, you wrote Laythe V almost seven different ways and its Grand Admiral Forrest, not Forest. (I know weird spelling but that one's actually Star Trek canon).


 * Watch out for slang in your writing. Till technically should not be used in written speech,, that's slang for Until. See here.


 * Some portions of this article are starting to shift into a story format. "Fleet Admiral Shran steps in saying as a old soldier from the front lines" is a bit too epic. I know this WILL one day make a great story for the celebrated halls of FanFiction.net... but again this is supposed to be written as an encyclopedia.


 * Several portions of your article contained uneccessary strings of information or tangents that ran off on thoughts that never completed themselves. Learning about the United Earth Cargo Service and the UECS Philadelphia were interesting, but their presence wasn't critical for the completion of that section. Best example I can give... during World War II how many cargo ships can you name next to aircraft carriers? Unless the vessel holds a prominent and critical role to the overall events... we can do without it.


 * Dating, please remember to add dates to your battles and events... you haven't done it and your starting to name lengths of time, without having dates to back them up. If you can't figure out an end date, just list it in the Date section as ongoing. I know this can be annoying but it is critical for maintaining the logical progression of your story. I honestly assumed the entire first half of the Guardian Conflict all took place over a three month period until I read that we were only one-week post the Siege of Laythe V and only then realized that most of the events in first half of the war was happening concurrently to each other. Dates help to keep the reader's mind on track with your own timeline.


 * Operation Second Coming has been renamed Operation Adrestia, named for the Greek goddess of revenge and daughter of Ares and Aprodite. An example of her thirst for vengence, she's quoted as "She whom none can escape".


 * Cutoff sentences. It appears that several of your sentences stop half way through abruptly, but the next sentence seems to continue on with the same thought as if no break occurred. It can be very confusing.

Other than that, great work, just make sure to take all my quibbles as constructive praise! :)